Some have told them that this is far-fetched, but Vaid-Menon disagrees. Vaid-Menon believes the man’s reaction was an example of what they call “gender grief”: a manifestation of the lifelong pressures to meet gendered norms that can, in those who don’t process their pain, result in feelings of anger and rage. I have come to understand that the people who harass me, the people who are so obsessed with my appearance, are grieving the gender binary too.” “I actually don’t believe that it’s good politics to just blame individuals for prejudice. Vaid-Menon’s goal for their speech at FODI is to set aside the academic language that can dominate gender theory, and appeal on a more emotional, personal level. Photograph: Samantha Burkardt/Getty Images/SXSW Vaid-Menon with Jonathan Van Ness at the 2022 SXSW in Texas. A person who grew up “hating” themselves, who can now confidently pair a bright dash of lipstick with stubble, and leaves their thick body hair visible when wearing spectacular dresses because – as they point out to cisgender women who send them abuse for it – they have body hair too. It has to hit somewhere deeper.” The people who harass me, the people who are so obsessed with my appearance, are grieving the gender binary tooĪs a gender-nonconforming public thinker, Vaid-Menon’s life is split by a great chasm that is only as wide as the short walk off a stage: a person who earns standing ovations from huge crowds, who also feels vulnerable just walking down the street.
“But it also led to a paradigm shift – OK, maybe my work is not just about teaching people about the mechanics of the gendered system. I judged myself for being fearful,” the 31-year-old says. I spent most of my life thinking that I was powerful and in this moment of altercation, I crumbled, and I was afraid. “It made it very difficult for me to go outside, made me fear being in public. Now, Vaid-Menon is in Australia for the first time since that trip, for a national speaking tour that includes a speech at Sydney’s Festival of Dangerous Ideas (FODI) that is subtitled, intriguingly, “a love letter to the man who bashed me.” That punch has lingered in their mind for six years. Sign up for the fun stuff with our rundown of must-reads, pop culture and tips for the weekend, every Saturday morning Vaid-Menon was “back to being nothing … back to being that thing that belongs on a stage and not a tram,” as they wrote afterwards. The man turned back to Vaid-Menon: “I am OK with gay people, but you are too much!” Vaid-Menon thought they were going to have a panic attack. “If you don’t shut up I will hit him harder,” the man shouted. A bystander intervened, to say they’d heard Vaid-Menon apologise.
“You didn’t even say sorry,” the man shouted.
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